This post may come across as a downer, but I don't mean to come across that way. Based on my family history I just assumed I would live into my 80's or 90's barring some freak accident.
But what if I don't have much time left?
I've always done what I was supposed to do. I always thought if I did what I was supposed to, I would begin to feel like I was supposed to, but after years of doing what I was supposed to do, I still don't feel like I am supposed to.
The age-old struggle between security and freedom consumes me everyday. How many seemingly logical decisions have I made that were really driven by fear? How many opportunities have a lost because I was directed by fear instead of faith?
Sunday, March 13, 2011
Sunday, February 27, 2011
What About This Old Video Really Speaks to Me?
I like a variety of music. I'm probably the only person I know who listens to both Rush and Rusted Root. I guess if I think it's good, I think it's good and I don't spend too much time worrying if I like music that fits or doesn't fit one genre. And yes, while I'm hardly a hippie, in college I loved Phish.
I hadn't listened to Phish in a while. Maybe I thought that music didn't fit who I had become. I'm not really sure. But lately I have rediscovered Phish.
The video is fascinating. For one thing, I had no idea Phish had been around that long. Back in 1990 I was a Freshman in high school and had no idea who Phish was. For another thing, the music seems so raw, and in a way this is the best performance of Bouncing Around the Room I have ever seen. This performance captures Phish for me, and what I like about their music. To Phish's music I can dance around like a white person and not care how I look. There are some audience members in the front who are really bouncing around the room! How funny. The late 80's early 90's cusp era fashions are amusing. I wish I could have been there. It must have been an amazing experience.
I have been playing this video a lot. Rob says, "Turn off that hippie music!"
I hadn't listened to Phish in a while. Maybe I thought that music didn't fit who I had become. I'm not really sure. But lately I have rediscovered Phish.
The video is fascinating. For one thing, I had no idea Phish had been around that long. Back in 1990 I was a Freshman in high school and had no idea who Phish was. For another thing, the music seems so raw, and in a way this is the best performance of Bouncing Around the Room I have ever seen. This performance captures Phish for me, and what I like about their music. To Phish's music I can dance around like a white person and not care how I look. There are some audience members in the front who are really bouncing around the room! How funny. The late 80's early 90's cusp era fashions are amusing. I wish I could have been there. It must have been an amazing experience.
I have been playing this video a lot. Rob says, "Turn off that hippie music!"
Thursday, February 24, 2011
The Price Of Contentment
The past 9-10 years I have been mostly content. Not full of angst. Not full of bliss. Just content.
Between the ages of 14 and 21, my feelings ranged from complete bliss to complete angst. During those years I wrote a lot of bad poetry, usually inspired by some boy.
A calmness hit me at age 26. I think that is the age I truly became an adult. At that point I decided it was time to stop giving in to instant gratification, and start seriously perusing long-term goals. I stopped daydreaming and became what I considered normal.
I don't think meeting Rob when I was 27 was accidental. I feel the universe really does work out.
I hadn't missed the flaky girl I had been, until recently. That girl may have had her flaws, but she lived with inspiration.
Between the ages of 14 and 21, my feelings ranged from complete bliss to complete angst. During those years I wrote a lot of bad poetry, usually inspired by some boy.
A calmness hit me at age 26. I think that is the age I truly became an adult. At that point I decided it was time to stop giving in to instant gratification, and start seriously perusing long-term goals. I stopped daydreaming and became what I considered normal.
I don't think meeting Rob when I was 27 was accidental. I feel the universe really does work out.
I hadn't missed the flaky girl I had been, until recently. That girl may have had her flaws, but she lived with inspiration.
Monday, February 21, 2011
Dessert Without Dinner
When you have gone for years always allowing someone dessert without dinner, you cannot reasonably expect that person to be on board when you suddenly decide dinner is in order.
You need persistence and patience and faith that person will come around, and understand that sometimes you have to allow that person dessert without the dinner.
You need persistence and patience and faith that person will come around, and understand that sometimes you have to allow that person dessert without the dinner.
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
Bad Poetry
Just when I thought I was past that point in my life where I'm writing bad poetry, I'm right back at it:
The Dream
Last night I had a dream
of someone's Dad who I had hardly seen
He looked at me with those Dadly* eyes
and said,
"Keep those secrets to yourself, jelly bean."
*That wasn't a typo for "Deadly" I actually mean to say "Dadly." I think I just made that word up. But maybe Deadly would make more sense?
Don't ask...
The Dream
Last night I had a dream
of someone's Dad who I had hardly seen
He looked at me with those Dadly* eyes
and said,
"Keep those secrets to yourself, jelly bean."
*That wasn't a typo for "Deadly" I actually mean to say "Dadly." I think I just made that word up. But maybe Deadly would make more sense?
Don't ask...
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
My Anti-Facebook Life
Recently The Early Show on CBS did a story on "Facebook Envy." Apparently people are looking at their friends' Facebook profiles and feeling bad about themselves in comparison. I thought most people knew that only the best parts of life - the vacations, the new homes, the marriages, the births etc. - are shown on Facebook. I very much doubt there is anyone who posts pictures of Divorce proceeding or job firings on their Facebook profile!
In the days before Facebook, there were class reunions and Christmas cards. I admit there is a part of me who likes to present myself as more important than I am to the outside world. I guess I can sort of relate to the people who need to show-off a little bit. And these things satisfy my natural curiosity about old-friends - I admit I've Googled random people - come on everybody does that sometimes. And I know I'm only seeing the partial truth.
I'm actually very impressed with the old friends with little presence online, the ones without a Facebook, Twitter or Linkedin profile. There is a mystique surrounding these people, and my imagination takes over, suspecting that these social network avoidance people are like gadzillionaires, and don't want to be too easily found by "old-friends" looking for money.
Rob's not on Facebook. He says he doesn't care what some old High School friend had for breakfast on any given morning. Sometimes I wish he was on Facebook, but then I ask myself why. Honestly, because most spouses are on Facebook together. But it's not like I need Facebook to keep in touch with my own husband! I admit the only reason I wish he was on Facebook is so I can link his profile next to my relationship status and tag him in my photo albums!
And then I think about my web presence, and wonder if I should tone it down a bit. I have a Facebook profile, a Classmates account, which is becoming obsolete with Facebook, and I joined Linkedin at the invitation of my boss about 3 years ago, and I haven't been very active there. And then I have this blog. I wonder if I'm overexposing myself, and if anyone really cares to know that much about me anyway.
The purpose of this blog is to show my Anti-Facebook life, within reason of course. These are my raw unedited inner thoughts. For some strange reason, I'm proud of my mistakes and scars. Oddly enough, I think I'll share it on my Facebook profile!
In the days before Facebook, there were class reunions and Christmas cards. I admit there is a part of me who likes to present myself as more important than I am to the outside world. I guess I can sort of relate to the people who need to show-off a little bit. And these things satisfy my natural curiosity about old-friends - I admit I've Googled random people - come on everybody does that sometimes. And I know I'm only seeing the partial truth.
I'm actually very impressed with the old friends with little presence online, the ones without a Facebook, Twitter or Linkedin profile. There is a mystique surrounding these people, and my imagination takes over, suspecting that these social network avoidance people are like gadzillionaires, and don't want to be too easily found by "old-friends" looking for money.
Rob's not on Facebook. He says he doesn't care what some old High School friend had for breakfast on any given morning. Sometimes I wish he was on Facebook, but then I ask myself why. Honestly, because most spouses are on Facebook together. But it's not like I need Facebook to keep in touch with my own husband! I admit the only reason I wish he was on Facebook is so I can link his profile next to my relationship status and tag him in my photo albums!
And then I think about my web presence, and wonder if I should tone it down a bit. I have a Facebook profile, a Classmates account, which is becoming obsolete with Facebook, and I joined Linkedin at the invitation of my boss about 3 years ago, and I haven't been very active there. And then I have this blog. I wonder if I'm overexposing myself, and if anyone really cares to know that much about me anyway.
The purpose of this blog is to show my Anti-Facebook life, within reason of course. These are my raw unedited inner thoughts. For some strange reason, I'm proud of my mistakes and scars. Oddly enough, I think I'll share it on my Facebook profile!
Thursday, February 3, 2011
My Alternative Universe Life
For laughs here it is, my alternative universe life. Actually not all of it is funny, and maybe part of my alternative universe life is worth pursuing, although some of the opportunities have passed. Here it is:
Rob and I own a wildly successful family business. I guess I should have clear idea of what this business offers, but I don't. Maybe its something not that sexy that has potential like renting self-storage units. Rob does most of the work with the business.
As for me, I was so smart with my money before I had kids that I have all of these money generating assets that only require about 20-60 minutes of monitoring from me daily. I guess I should have clear idea of what these assest are but I don't.
From these assets I am able to generate money for the family while spending the bulk of my time at home with my kids. I take them to playgroups 2-3 days a week and every year for each kid's birthday, I hand decorate their cake in painstaking detail. I occasionally help Rob with administrative needs for our business.
Rob actually likes my name suggestions and our kids are named Cecily, Hugh, and he agrees to a third kid, a girl we name Louisa.
Every year we take some fancy vacation. We alternate between a cultural vacation such as a trip to Rome, and a purely fun family trip such as Disney World.
Since I'm home with the kids, there is no need for childcare, but I do have a mother's helper who comes in 5 hours a week while I get my hair / nails done, go shopping, run errands, meet for coffee with girlfriends or go to the gym. I also have a cleaning lady who comes in once a week to do all the yucky jobs such as scrubbing the tube. Other than that, I am able to keep our house spotless, and no more than 20 minutes to company-ready, which is important with all the entertaining we do.
We live in a Tudor style house on a lake, and have a vacation home down south in like Tennessee or something.
I am very fashionable both with my clothes, and my home decor. My kids are always dressed in the latest Gymboree clothes.
We are loaded and I live a charmed life.
What does this say about me? That I'm shallow? That I have a rich fantasy life? That I care too much what other people think? Would I really be happy with my alternative universe life?
Until next time...
Rob and I own a wildly successful family business. I guess I should have clear idea of what this business offers, but I don't. Maybe its something not that sexy that has potential like renting self-storage units. Rob does most of the work with the business.
As for me, I was so smart with my money before I had kids that I have all of these money generating assets that only require about 20-60 minutes of monitoring from me daily. I guess I should have clear idea of what these assest are but I don't.
From these assets I am able to generate money for the family while spending the bulk of my time at home with my kids. I take them to playgroups 2-3 days a week and every year for each kid's birthday, I hand decorate their cake in painstaking detail. I occasionally help Rob with administrative needs for our business.
Rob actually likes my name suggestions and our kids are named Cecily, Hugh, and he agrees to a third kid, a girl we name Louisa.
Every year we take some fancy vacation. We alternate between a cultural vacation such as a trip to Rome, and a purely fun family trip such as Disney World.
Since I'm home with the kids, there is no need for childcare, but I do have a mother's helper who comes in 5 hours a week while I get my hair / nails done, go shopping, run errands, meet for coffee with girlfriends or go to the gym. I also have a cleaning lady who comes in once a week to do all the yucky jobs such as scrubbing the tube. Other than that, I am able to keep our house spotless, and no more than 20 minutes to company-ready, which is important with all the entertaining we do.
We live in a Tudor style house on a lake, and have a vacation home down south in like Tennessee or something.
I am very fashionable both with my clothes, and my home decor. My kids are always dressed in the latest Gymboree clothes.
We are loaded and I live a charmed life.
What does this say about me? That I'm shallow? That I have a rich fantasy life? That I care too much what other people think? Would I really be happy with my alternative universe life?
Until next time...
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